Now that's what I call TV heaven

I don’t watch much telly these days because, like millions of others who have switched off, I get easily bored. What we need is some blue skies thinking on revamping the repetitive and tedious dross served up on a regular basis.

So keep your eyes peeled for the new channel, Arkwright TV, which will be showcasing the following proggies and accepting money in brown envelopes from anyone for any reason, as usual:

Naked Celebrity Monocycling on Ice: Remember topless darts? Old hat, brother. This is the future. Watch Terry Wogan, Johnny Vegas, Peter Kay, Fern Britton, Vanessa Feltz, John Sergeant, Dara O’Brien, Russell Grant and Ann Widdecombe whip their kit off and bring tears to your eyes (and theirs, I shouldn’t wonder) as they show off their little foibles atop a one-wheeled scaffolding pole.

Big Bad Brother: The housemates are all psychopaths and homicidal maniacs who are a drain on the taxpayers and the house has a gun in a padlocked case on a wall. The gun contains one bullet. The case is unlocked for only five minutes a day, and nobody knows when, but whoever finds it open must shoot somebody, anybody, even themselves. The winner is the last one standing.

Strictly ER Holby: Each week, one lucky contestant gets to operate on a real patient to remove vitals organs. The two “surgeons” who garner the most votes go head to head against the clock in the grand final, each performing a triple heart bypass operation, one on Bruce Forsyth and one on Robert Powell

Apprentice Reversal: Each week, contestants are given a successful computer company to run, in tandem with a Premiership football club in London who play in white shirts bearing a cockerel on the badge. They are spurred on to make a success of one without screwing up the other, while Sir Alan Sugar tries to run a sushi and Bollinger champagne café outside Hull Kingston Rovers’ rugby league ground on a match day. Which leads us neatly on to …

Hull’s Kitchen: Celebrity chefs are parachuted in to the less-than-salubrious areas of the city to make poncy lunchboxes and nouvelle cuisine evening meals for families of six without using chips, pies or anything fried. Anybody who lasts a week wins a mobile burger bar in a layby on the A38 near Bristol Aiport.

Britain’s Got Swine Flu: Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden are incarcerated in separate bare rooms and hold face-to-face interviews with six people each to try and discover who has the flu and who is hiding the Tamiflu tablets. What they don’t know is that all the contestants have the virus, and only Ant and Dec have the pills. Face masks are not allowed.

I’m A Gardener, Get Me Out Of Here: Alan Titchmarsh is reunited with Charlie and Tommy in the Australian jungle and we watch across 13 astonishing weeks as they set out to obliterate every living thing in their way to produce a decking and gravel area covering 763 square miles, plus a large water feature roughly where Adelaide used to be.