I spy with my little eye

What dreadful news about MFI closing down. What on earth are all those spies going to do now?

You can always tell we are in deep economic trouble when the Government starts shutting departments that are supposed to keep us safe from terrorists, and holding a fire-sale of poisoned fountain pens, pea shooters that fire real bullets, and innocent-looking paperweights that conceal sensitive eavesdropping equipment.

What is needed here is a programme designed to get these jobless spooks back or, some would say, just in to meaningful employment by matching their undercover skills with the work available, bearing in mind, of course, that there isn’t actually any work available anywhere at the mo (but stay with me).

Having spotted this niche in the market, I have set up Jim’s Employment and Recruitment Korner (JERK) and already the CVs have started flying in, usually delivered by a black-clad, balaclava-wearing geezer hanging from a bit of string tied to a helicopter hovering a few feet above the rooftops.

In the interests of ignoring confidentiality, and because the Data Protection Act deserves to be flouted within an inch of its life, here are some applications that are moving through the system and JERK’s suggestions as to the area each applicant should investigate:

Agent A: Deadly and expert shot with a Walther PPK and able to subdue hordes of terror insurgents by use of weapons, physical violence and psychological fear of torture.
New job: Any teaching post in any comprehensive school.

Agent B: Highly adept at following targets without their knowing and then surprising them by showing your credentials.
New job: Store detective in large supermarket, ensuring people keep their sticky little fingers off the chipolata special offers. Either that or professional flasher.

Agent C: Skilled in camouflage techniques and general demolition work.
New job: Following the sad demise of Fred Dibnah, there is an opening at the BBC for lovable, roguish, flat-vowelled Lancastrian with a penchant for reducing to rubble any large chunk of the Industrial Revolution, while taking enormous risks with their own safety merely for the amusement of TV viewers.

Agent D: Counter intelligence.
New job: Shop assistant.

Agent E: Economic destabilisation expert, vastly experienced in undermining the entire financial structures of sovereign states by manipulating markets and fiscal systems, thereby precipitating the total collapse of the entire national economy.
New job: All posts currently filled but for application form, write to HM Government, 10 Downing Street, London.

Agent F: As above, with experience of Third World.
New job: Could soon be a vacancy in Zimbabwe.

Ah well, could have been worse, I suppose, it could have been that furniture shop.